Restructuring my Life like a Japa Mala

Yes, Eat, Pray, Love is on in the background as I write this.

And I don’t mean the title of this post in a literal form. Spiritually, I need to gain back control of my life and get my sh*t in order. I am 23 and I don’t have a personal relationship with myself. I haven’t even begun to figure out who I am. I’ve had a boyfriend since I was 14, only spending maybe 3 months single at a time. I’m starting to think maybe the cause of this is because I’ve never met my real father. I spent my entire childhood and teenage years as a single child with a single mother. Not that my boyfriends could ever replace that father figure role I never had, but to an extent they could fill some void I felt I was missing. My most recent break-up is what has motivated me to start thinking about my life and all the things I want to do. For the past four years I have fully dedicated myself to this other person and our relationship. I moved away from my family and friends to be with him, which may not sound like that big of a sacrifice, but I did this at 20 years old. I feel selfish writing about how I’ve given up so much to be with him because that’s what you do in relationships, but for the past year I’ve been worried I’ll never know more. I don’t care about seeing other people or getting another boyfriend, I care about not being about to grow on a personal level. I want to be able to have my own apartment. I want to be able to pack my things and leave for somewhere at any given moment. I want to be able to spend my money on a new dress without hearing about spending problems for the next couple days. There are so many small pleasures like this in life that I haven’t experienced, and I’m afraid if I don’t start paying better attention to myself, I’m going to get lost devoting myself to someone else’s life. This may be the most selfish thing I’ve ever said, but I think I’m at the point in my life where I’m allowed to be a little selfish.

Some things that need restructuring:
My mind needs to be pure.
I need dispose of all negativity in my life.
I need to keep track of my life and where it is going.
I need to have an honest, open, relationship with myself.
As my mother says, I do not need a man to complete me!

That is why I have dedicated the next year to MYSELF. Yep; no dating, no boyfriends, nothing! I need time to figure out who I am. And in no way am I trying to bash anyone that’s married or in love, in fact I only wish you the best. It’s just right now, it’s not for me. Hopefully one day I’ll be ready for that.

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